How to Know When You're a Stalker
Misery: Dear Unsuspecting Internet Surfer, I need help! I have a crush on a guy who is famous and that I spend all my time thinking about. I know I'm bad and I know he hates me because he won't answer any of my mail. What is your advice?
Dear Misery: The internet surfer wishes they didn’t have as much experience in the grip of an inconvenient crush. They can recall, with eerie accuracy, the feeling of urgency and helplessness associated with this fruitless quest. Ideally, you would have this obsessive crush for someone who feels similarly, yes? How freaking cool would that be? Every time your inbox gets a message your heart will skip a beat, hoping that it’s the Subject Of Your Crush (SOYC) and in this ideal world it WOULD be! Wouldn’t that be cool? Of course that’s not what’s happening, is it? Here’s the hard truth that you won't admit: you’re stalking him and you know it. If he won’t answer any of your fan mail or messages or repeated attempts to get his attention online, have you decided that simply sending more fan mail and gifts and harassing the internet population will change that? Let’s walk through this scenario. Message after message he just glances, sees that it’s you, then deletes/throws it out without reading. Suddenly one late night, he sees that it’s from you and realizes that he’s totally in love with the creepy insane woman who has been stalking him! How incredibly lucky for you both!
Yeah, the random internet surfer doesn’t buy it either. Gather up the shreds of your self esteem. The surfer won’t bash you for pursuing The Celebrity Crush, and won’t bash you for getting crazy with a crush. Instead, they’re asking you to please, for the love of all that’s holy, listen to the voice in your head that tells you that this is bordering on pathetic. If you cannot be reasoned with, you ARE pathetic. People across the board have called you on all your shit, please stop stalking them too as an answer to your failures at forcing your crush to fall in love with you.
To quote a brilliant random internet surfer;
"To me she reads like an obsessed fan who's been devastated by something irrelevant. The type of person who becomes a stalker and worse."
Dear Misery: The internet surfer wishes they didn’t have as much experience in the grip of an inconvenient crush. They can recall, with eerie accuracy, the feeling of urgency and helplessness associated with this fruitless quest. Ideally, you would have this obsessive crush for someone who feels similarly, yes? How freaking cool would that be? Every time your inbox gets a message your heart will skip a beat, hoping that it’s the Subject Of Your Crush (SOYC) and in this ideal world it WOULD be! Wouldn’t that be cool? Of course that’s not what’s happening, is it? Here’s the hard truth that you won't admit: you’re stalking him and you know it. If he won’t answer any of your fan mail or messages or repeated attempts to get his attention online, have you decided that simply sending more fan mail and gifts and harassing the internet population will change that? Let’s walk through this scenario. Message after message he just glances, sees that it’s you, then deletes/throws it out without reading. Suddenly one late night, he sees that it’s from you and realizes that he’s totally in love with the creepy insane woman who has been stalking him! How incredibly lucky for you both!
Yeah, the random internet surfer doesn’t buy it either. Gather up the shreds of your self esteem. The surfer won’t bash you for pursuing The Celebrity Crush, and won’t bash you for getting crazy with a crush. Instead, they’re asking you to please, for the love of all that’s holy, listen to the voice in your head that tells you that this is bordering on pathetic. If you cannot be reasoned with, you ARE pathetic. People across the board have called you on all your shit, please stop stalking them too as an answer to your failures at forcing your crush to fall in love with you.
To quote a brilliant random internet surfer;
"To me she reads like an obsessed fan who's been devastated by something irrelevant. The type of person who becomes a stalker and worse."
posted by Theo at 11:23 AM
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